Chaz Hanks
This is my story of addiction, before I start, please understanding that this is no joke. I used to be one of those people who claimed, “addiction is a choice”. But if it has never had you by the throat, then you have no idea. So many times, I wanted to quit, but it literally had me and was consuming my entire life.
Before i fell into this f**king hell, I had it all. I was an amazing person, a person who would do anything for anyone. I was loved and adore by some many people, and i had so many friends. I was man who found an amazing woman. I stepped in and raised 4 girls that were not biologically mine, but in my heart they are. We had two amazing little boys that are clueless to their fathers’ failures, but when the time is right I will tell them.
But my addiction to kratom turned me into the complete opposite, I was a walking bomb, triggered by the smallest thing. I ruined friendships and pushed away family members.
What is kratom? Kratom, or as I call it “herbal heroine” is a horrible substance. It comes in liquid, powder or pill form. It’s crazy, you wouldn’t think it was capable of anything. But I am here (by God’s grace) to prove to you otherwise. Kratom (Mitragyna speciosa) is a tropical evergreen tree, it is indigenous to Thailand, Indonesian, Malaysia, Myanmar, and Papua New Guinea, where it has been used in herbal medicine since at least the nineteenth century. Kratom has opioid properties and some stimulant-like effects. Sounds like a miracle plant, right? Well…. you’re wrong.
Kratom is highly addictive, highly dangerous. And what’s worse than anything is how easily accessible it is. Anyone at any age can walk into the corner store and buy it. No warning of what it is capable of or anything. Simply ask for it and hand over the money. That’s what happened to me. My story is a long embarrassing emotional roller coaster. I tossed around the idea of sharing it only because I was ashamed. For the past 4 years I lived a very secretive life, one that I am in no way proud of. Again, I’m only sharing this in hopes it will help someone. It started one day in May 2017, I was working with an electrical company, we stopped at a gas station to fill up the trucks. I went in and bought an egg roll, a Coke and what I thought was a 5-hour energy shot (K-Chill). That day I didn’t realize the damage I was about to do on myself and so many loved ones. I drank the absolutely horrible shot, ate my egg roll and went to work. Little did I know that was the worst decision of my life. About 15 minutes later I started feeling the effects. I had an substantial amount of energy, along with a euphoric feeling. I won’t lie, I felt amazing. My body had zero aches and pains. I was ready to get stuff done! But after about 4 – 5 hours that feeling was gone. The next day I was ok, no strange feelings or anything. After that it was around four months before I used it again.
Then in October 2017 I started chasing turnarounds. One day on my way to work I stumbled across that magical shot in a blue bottle… K-Chill. It was at the gas station right by the railroad tracks in kountze. I then started buying them by the case. And at $6 a shot, 12 shots in each case. And I was taking 2 shots a day. Basically I developed a $150 a week habit, Sounds expensive right? Well, just wait… it gets worse.
Fast forward to January 2018, I had to go to Courpus Christi for a job. There I discovered a capsule called O.P.M.S, it had basically the same effects as the shot. Those little capsule cost about $20 for two. And I was consuming two capsules a day. And on occasion using the shots as well, I figured i was spending around $200 a week. I knew it was getting expensive, but I had no idea how bad it was going to get. So, this went on for the entire year of 2018. I thought this was an all-natural supplement that had all kinds of benefits. The little bit of info I had made Kratom out to be amazing, and I defended it to anyone that said otherwise. Looking back, I was a complete idiot for doing so.
Around the start of January 2019, I found a new forum of Kratom. K-shot, this type of Kratom is a oil type substance that comes in a 0.5oz bottle. The cost of it was outrageous, $20 for this little 0.5oz of liquid death. This is an extremely strong form of Kratom, and the effects of it were like no other. And I was using about 4 bottles a day, that’s right $80 a day.
Before I got my hands on this substance, I was extremely healthy, happy and was more levelheaded. Friends and family were mentioning my change in behavior, but I would deflect their concerns or post blame on something else. My attitude completely changed, I became very confrontational, very heartless and a down right asshole. The littlest thing would set me off. In fact, I’m really surprised I did not end up in jail, or dead. I had a gun pulled on me, over something that could have been avoided easily. It made me feel like I was bullet proof, I had no fear and no concern for others feelings. Everything was about me, no one else’s feelings mattered.
So besides the Billy badass affect it had on me, kratom also made me very emotional. Any way I was feeling was to the extreme. If I was sad, it made me feel as if my world ended, even over the littlest things. When I got depressed, it made me feel as if it was the end. Very seldom was I happy though. I had suicidal thoughts more times than I can count.
For years my wife asked if I was using it, because she knew I had before. She would beg for me to stop, although she could never prove it…. she knew deep down. She also knew the dangers I faced using kratom. I would just deny the facts and assure her that I was not doing it. Even though she had evidence of what I was doing. I would tell her she’s crazy, or come up with some of the wall excuse. Till one day I was caught, my wife found urine test on Amazon. So she ordered them and asked me to take it, so I did. My thoughts were, it will never work. Because there was very little information about kratom, and i thought if i flushed my system ill be ok. Boy was I wrong, the test came up positive, and there was nothing I could do to back out. So I opened up.
For someone who has been lied to, betrayed, made to look like she was actually crazy, and taken advantage of, she took it like I never expected. My mind was thinking, that was it, my marriage is over. I figured I would be having to leave, and she would be filing for a divorce. However, it was the complete opposite, she was kind, understanding, sincere, and so helpful. I decided to put this horrible substance down, little did I know the next month would be absolute hell. I suffered from withdrawals that were so bad I became suicidal. The amount of body aching pain I was in was unbelievable, imagine flu like symptoms but a hundred times worse, I couldn’t not get it to go away. On top of that I was extremely irritable, restless, and exhausted at the same time. I would have the worst chills all while sweating so much my clothes would be soaked. My appetite completely disappeared, which is horrible for someone who loves food. I was nowhere near myself, most of the days I was like complete zombie. I hated myself so much, I just wanted it to end.
For a total of four months, I became myself again. I was free, this horrible substance no longer had me by the throat. My energy was back up to normal, and my happy-go-lucky mood was back as well. Not to mention my health, because while using kratom my blood pressure stayed in stage two hypertensive… lowest being 145/110. Then one day, for some stupid reason I consumed kratom again. My thought process was, one time won’t hurt. But once turned into twice. Twice turned into everyday, and I was roped back into a living hell.
See, most people think addiction is easy to overcome. But try to imagine chasing a feeling while running from one. Trying to quit is like someone holding you underwater, you cant drowned and you cant get any air. You’re stuck, stuck in a living hell. The scariest part was the withdrawals again. And the heart ache of hurting my loved ones.
It’s mind blowing how much a 2oz bottle can consume. For me it consumed the person everyone knew, my wife, kids, a car, truck, a job, and almost a house along with more money than I want to think about.
Just recently I decided to put it down and walk away for good. And as most people are thinking, why now? And the answer is I’m tired, tired of hiding, tired of running, tired of not being able to live my life. I’m tired of letting people down, I’m tired of letting myself down. Everyday was the same thing, how am I going to get it? How will I hide it? How will I keep from getting caught?
My family has had enough heartache, and we all have suffered enough financially, physically and emotionally. This “magical plant” has caused so much damage, and after doing some research, it has done things far worse to other families. In 2017, 97 people died as a result from kratom and 76 of those, kratom was the only drug found in their system. Of course kratom supports say “97 isn’t that many people”. Well, that research was only based on 24 states. Not to mention the amount of users who now suffer from long term heart problems, liver failure, and other life changing illnesses caused by kratom.
Please, take every bit of this to heart. Share it with people, spread the word, and help get this stuff off the streets. Because no good can come from it. One last thing, I have debated even telling this part because of how bad it had gotten. One night I was home alone at our house in Warren, my wife and kids were at our house in Huntington. Me and my wife had been arguing, so in a kratom and alcohol fueled state of depression, I decided to end it. I was about to try to end my life, so I placed a gun under my chin and pulled the trigger *click* the gun was jammed. Not a single on of my firearms have ever jammed, or misfired. I lost it, I couldn’t not believe my life was spared. Now, looking back with a clear mind, I understand now. God has a plan for me, I believe I was supposed to experience the evil this substance can do so that I will be able to help people. Because starting now, my focus is sill on the substance. But with good intentions, I’m going to put every bit of energy towards getting kratom banned. Kratom is not regulated by the FDA, therefore the distributors do not have to inform users what is in their product, it could have anything mixed into it. If you or someone you know has been struggling with kratom. Please do not hesitate to reach out for help.
Thank you for taking the time to read my journey experiencing this evil substance.
Chaz Hanks